It happens everywhere. It probably happens to you, and it definitely happens to me.
Someone speaks nicely to your face… but when your back is turned, the knives come out.
That is a fairly strong example. So let’s narrow it down a bit, and let’s make it a little less brutal, and a tad more ‘everyday life.’
Let’s say someone says beautiful things in front of you… but then doesn’t hold the swear mute button long enough when they mention you to others.
And what do you do, if you see this? If YOU are privy to this? Do you tell the betrayed? Do you tell them that their ‘friend’ doesn’t treat them with the same love behind-the-scenes as they do in front of the whole world to read, and see?
I have thought of this scenario a lot. Because I have been in it. I am in it.
On the issue of forgiveness, an issue I have toyed with a lot in my life, I have questioned…
How do you forgive someone who has never said sorry? How do you forgive someone who seems ‘changed’ in front of your face, but reverts to two-face when they talk about so-called ‘loved ones?’
Is it any of my business? I mean, if they were being rude to me, sure, I could most definitely step in and speak up. But when they are airing grievances about another…
What should it matter to me?
The problem is, IT DOES matter to me. Because I am all about integrity.
I don’t think you should suck face with someone who you compete with behind their back. I don’t think you should chase them when you compare your child against theirs. I don’t think you should give them loving names, when the names you use behind their back, are anything but.
How does this differ though, to the things we say inside our heads? In the quiet places where no one but us can hear?
Does it differ? Let’s say we don’t like how a person goes about their life. We don’t like their attitude. We don’t like how they criticise others constantly, yet shrivel into nincompoops when they get one smidgen of retaliation in return.
We think “I don’t like that. I don’t like them as a person anymore.”
We say this in our heads.
And then a brutal person, will say it out loud…
Does this differ?
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Do we have any right speaking the words of another, when privately in our heads we are just the same?
But, there is a difference isn’t there. Between someone who tries to make themselves better than others to another’s detriment, and to those who merely see the fakery and don’t wish to promote it any further.
I may say things in my head, but that’s because, I believe ‘they’ deserve it.
I spent several years wishing to sever ties with someone completely, and then kind of half did it… now I’ve spent the next lot of them wondering if it is at all possible to do, and if I would do it, would I feel good about it?
There is such a thing as a toxic person. One who does no good for you. A judgmental, critical, self-obsessed, domineering and dogmatic person. One who plays the victim, them versus the world, and if you don’t play your cards according to their game, them versus YOU.
At one point, in the present day, if you see this person trying to somewhat make a better life for themselves, do you forgive? Do you forget? Do you move on with your life, with your relationship with them, if they say sorry?
What if they never say sorry? What if they go on with their life pretending nothing ever happened, with no acknowledgment of your past hurts, betrayals, hurtful words, snide comments, rude remarks, put downs, ignorant sneers, harmful actions, and gross gross negligence of your loved ones… what if they were slightly different, but never made proper amends to YOU?
And what about if they were different to you, but continued to speak badly about others…
NOW we are full circle. Now, you get it.
This is where I struggle.
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I am ALL for retribution. In particular, my main motto with those who do wrong, are that they need to be held accountable. They need to PAY.
What would the wronged do, if they knew how disparagingly their friends had spoken about them to others? I’ve seen this also in my work life, where one particular two-face smooths everyone over to their face, and then uses all manner of trickery, lies and under-handed tactics to diminish their character to other colleagues.
But then… they suddenly learn. Or so it seems.
Should these wronged people forgive and move on? Can you accept that people can change for the better? Is it better to know, or not know, what people have said or thought about you?
Do you hold onto hating the angry person that used to exist? Or do you give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope that the nice words they say to your face, are mirrored when you walk away?
At what stage do we forgive? Where is the fine line where we say “this person is a relation in time, so I forgive” or “that guy generally includes me in everything at work so I’ll let that mass nasty email he sent about me, slide.”
When do we let go, and when do we just say NO?
And when do we turn our cheeks the other way, and when do we stand up and speak out to help others?
I still have no answers. Please inform me if YOU do ♥