A love letter to my unborn baby

I feel you move. I massage the spot.

You push up to meet me, my fingers and your limbs connecting through skin.

I already know so much about you.

Your nightly hiccups, how you stretch about.

Swooshing around me when I sit

Getting excited when I drink magnesium, every single time.

I feel you poking, testing

Knocking at my front door.

I know you’re nearly here.

But we waited for you for 5 years

And those years feel like a lifetime.

You were cautious, waiting, watching

Hanging onto God’s word

What’s a few more days now?

As you stretch into me, push on my muscles, bones, fibres and nerves

Flexing before you greet the world that was always waiting for you,

Darling baby, I want you to know this…

I never gave up on you. Even when I had no idea where to turn, I never lost hope.

Hope was something I would pride myself on, and yet it also killed me.

But still, I held onto the thought of you.

I heard your voice, telling me to hold on, and I wept tears of joy and sadness.

Where were you, and why was it taking so long?

I now know. I now get it.

It was always meant to be this way.

And although it’s all easily said and done now

I accept it all, and I am ready for you.

I can’t wait to see your little fingers and toes.

To feel your head rest against my skin.

To smell your sweet breath and breathe in your newborn skin.

To hear you cry out for me, again and again and again.

To look you in the eye and for you to look right back.

I am ready for this beautiful life with you to begin. Whenever you want.

We are here. Patiently. Waiting. 🙏💞

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Rainbow after the rain

I have been seeing a lot of rainbows lately.

It’s made me think of them, their meaning and emergence in our atmosphere, and specifically, the metaphor we can use for them.

I saw a rainbow out our lounge room window just the other morning before dropping off baby girl at school. We were eating breakfast, and amidst the grey skies and falling drops outside, I spied one half of a rainbow, across the water:

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But that wasn’t the first one I saw that week, and it would not be the last. It was only when driving home from school later that day, amidst wispy rain, that we saw one again.

As I explained to baby girl what had to happen in order for there to be a rainbow… something struck me, in my casual explanation.

“There has to be rain, and sunshine,” I told her. “And then a rainbow will appear.”

I was immediately flung deep into my whirlpool of deep thoughts, as I often am, tuned in to my surroundings as I am constantly used to taking mental notes… life as a writer, empath, or both.

There has to be rain, and sunshine, for a rainbow to appear.

Huh. Even life was teaching us lessons.

The proper definition of the rainbow occurrence is something like this:

  • It is a natural spectrum that occurs in the sky after rain falls.
  • As sun shines onto falling rain drops, it causes reflection and refraction.
  • The rain drops act like tiny prisms, bending in the sunlight to be reflected back to us as the band of colours that we see as a rainbow.
  • This is why the rainbow is always directly opposite the sun.

Hmm, I pondered. There has to be the presence of both rain, and sunshine.

And if you were looking at it from a non-geological perspective, not focusing on the fact that the planet needs both rain, and water to replenish and renew, to grow and keep things living…

Well, most people tend to regard rain, in their every day life, as a nuisance. Bad.

And they tend to think of sunshine, as a welcoming smile on their face… Good.

And just like the rainbow to the left of my vision as I drove along in the rain, it dawned on me.

Even Mother Nature says there has to be the presence, of both good, and bad, in order for something beautiful and miraculous to occur.

Because that’s what they were, right? Miracles? Considered a sign of good luck in many cultures, with the pot of gold at the end of it the answer to all of life’s problems…

And so on this last weekend, in amidst grey skies and endlessly rainy days, and coincidentally or not, the Winter solstice, the shortest day of the year where we receive the least amount of sunlight…

We also received rainbows. A sign from Mother Nature, that despite this cold Winter, a respite is coming?

That despite the long and hard days, the hours of sunlight per day will be increasing soon?

That sometimes, bad things have to happen, before we get good things coming to us?

Maybe, the raindrops falling from the sky are the horrible hardships we endure, where we question life and the world and ourselves..

And the sun is our effort and determination to not give up, to keep pressing on, and to see it out no matter what. Our Hope.

And our rainbow, is our reward at the end of it all. Glorious, multi-faceted, a glow that takes over our whole life sky. But we had to go through rain, then sun, to see it through.

So remember… the presence of both good, and bad. In order to see a hue of miracles. 🌈

Think of that next time you’re going through a hard patch… you may just find your pot of gold… but it’s important to keep that sunny disposition, even through the rain.

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Lovely Lyrics #2

This Lovely Lyrics series doesn’t necessarily need to pertain to inspirational, uplifting, even a walk-in-a-field-of-daisies kind of nice…

It can be nice in it’s stark truth, it’s realism… in the way it speaks to your soul.

One voice. Few guitar strings. Strong words…

“Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind, slowly…”

I wasn’t any kind of Shawn Mendes fan when I first heard the radio-friendly and severely over-played Stitches. I would change the station every time it came on. EVERY TIME. I wasn’t a devotee at all.

But then I saw a short interview with him on Jimmy Fallon, and I thought…  he was actually a nice kid.

Suddenly I didn’t mind his song all too much…

And then when I heard the beginning a capella notes of In My Blood the first time, they spoke to me.

Did he have any experience in the matter? Did a kid of his age know about sadness, depression, feeling like it is just not worth it?

Had a person of his age, still so inexperienced, seemingly successful with his early musical accomplishments, and yet still so young, well, did he know about this? Well, did he?

It doesn’t matter whether he did or not. Because his words still painted a hauntingly accurate picture.

Because I had been there. I had been in a place of willing myself to give up, telling myself I will not go on due to repeated failure, repeated rejection, repeated blows to the heart, body and soul…

crying and sniffling and slobbering all over the place…

sitting on the bathroom floor…

And just as I had told myself I will not continue, this little voice from inside said –

“Hush. You know you won’t give up.”

Like Mendes says, ‘it isn’t in my blood.’

Have a listen to the first 26 seconds. They are truly touching in their stark wretchedness. I love it. ♥

 

 

Failing at reading

I’d like to show you something:

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Other than not knowing how to screenshot, if you look even closer, you will see that on my Goodreads account, I started reading Sense and Sensibility…

in (shock horror) February of 2015.

2 freaking years ago.

Not even I realised how bad I was until logging in to update my progress.

It’s taken me over 600 days to finish a book, which though slightly hard to engage with at first, I grew to love, with Austen teasing me throughout about what, and how, certain things were going to play out.

It’s not that I don’t read. I love it, so so much. I wish I had more time for it. But, things happened last year, and though I turned to the book, time and time again, reading chapters here, chapters there, the fact that we had a massive life overhaul, what with Sea changing and all, meant that there were so many other things to take care of, and that still need taking care of… that taking time out to enjoy a very fave pastime of mine, just felt selfish.

This here my friends, is a lesson in failure. Observe the following 2016 reading challenge I participated in last year:

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Have a look at that, really, have a good look at that.

I pledged to read 10 books. Not much I thought. 10 books a year, equated to just under one book a month. That didn’t seem at all impossible, but as mentioned above, Sea change, and all I ended up reading was 2 books.

2 books.

2 books!

And during that time I was about half way through Austen’s book too.

I don’t feel oddly embarrassed. A little ashamed, maybe, because you know, being a Writer and all, and wanting to write for a living, well you feel a bit pathetic when your main bread and butter, the act of reading to help you write – you fail miserably at.

I failed miserably, I know.

I have excuses. I have reasons. Do I need to justify them to anyone? To make people believe that I am a legitimate writer, that I am worthy of the “Writer” title?

No. My online writing presence is enough. I am a busy person. I have a life. And sometimes, things don’t go to plan.

Many times, things don’t go to plan.

It doesn’t mean however, that we shouldn’t plan, or strive towards certain goals.

The lesson here is this.

Firstly, don’t feel bad for taking time out to read, if it is something you love to do – writing-related or not. We should all give ourselves a break now and then, even if it is while waiting in line to pay a bill, on your lunch break at work, or late at night when the house is quiet. For a creative mind, it is necessary.

Second, shit happens. It almost always does. So if your well-tuned ideas and visions don’t turn out the way you’d like – don’t despair. Don’t use it as a reason to give up.

Never use ANY thing as a reason to give up.

Just say “oh well,” and move on. Or my favourite “PLOT TWIST!” and then see what scene the chapter of your life will play out for you next.

I’m already thinking of what I will read next. And I think the well overdue “Girl on a Train” book that I borrowed off Hubbie’s cousin, LAST YEAR, is definitely next in line…

(If you’d like to be Goodreads friends and have an account of your own, my profile name is Smikg…)