You are 9 now, but you will always be my baby girl.
You are my light, my solace and strength, and you’ve helped me without realising, just by being beautiful you.
Life is going to change sweet girl. It’s always been us 3, and I love our bond. I cherish it so much.
But my love is about to grow, and expand, and be all-encompassing… to also include your little sibling, very, very soon.
It’s oddly bittersweet. It won’t be just you and me having mummy-daughter days, but there will be a little one tagging along.
And as much as we wanted this for us, we also wanted this, for you.
Having a sibling that you can love, share with and depend on is one of the greatest riches in the world.
I know.
I want you to always remember…
I’ll always think fondly and with deep love about our one-on-ones.
Our coffee dates.
You and me reading side by side in peace.
You beating me in Nintendo, and me getting mock upset.
You letting me sleep-in on weekends (you’ll need to teach your sibling that one).
But trust me when I say this… things are about to get a WHOLE LOT BETTER.
More kisses.
More cuddles.
More love.
More memories. ππ
Just please, never forget…
When Mama can’t help you, please be patient.
When Mama can’t be there for you, it’s because I can barely be there for myself.
When Mama says “next time,” know it is killing me.
When Mama cries, just know I am overwhelmed and tired.
And when Mama smiles and goos and laughs at baby, know that I used to do the same for you, and my heart holds as much love for you now as it ever did before.
I love you forever my sweet girl. Things will change, but trust me, it will be ok.
And that’s because I have you to help me through it.
Thank you for being my first. Our bond is like no other, and you’re about to create a new one with your sibling very soon.
I can’t wait.
Love grows, and grows, and grows. Our future is amazing, and it’s all because you are in it.
I have a strong inclination to post something reflective as we say goodbye to 2022 and look towards 2023.
And this time, it’s different. Not novel, but different.
For me anyway. Because for the last few years, it’s been a variety of sentiments from me when it comes to looking towards the new year.
“Happy New Whatever-You-Want-It-To-Be!”
“It’s ok to not be excited.”
“Tomorrow is just another day.”
The last few years my feelings towards New Years and all the promise and opportunity it embodies have kinda fallen flat for me. I’ve been very easy come, easy go. Make the new year/month/week/day, what you will.
I’ve fallen on many hard times in recent years, so much so that my hope and faith have been completely tested… and restored, once again.
Because you see, this year was different. I got what I wanted, in a BIG way.
Life can have so many ups and downs. It is a guessing game and you never can know what is around the corner. It keeps you humble: amazing and uplifted one time, frustrating and despondent the next.
That’s why sometimes it can be very hard to look forward to a ‘new year, new you’ promise, when nothing has really been promising for you at all recently… the last few months… the last few years.
Trust me, I know. I have been there. I have a daily gratitude blog, and I think perhaps one of my major lessons was learning to find something ever so small to be grateful for when I was secretly hurting so much inside, for so long.
I don’t have the answers to life.
Sometimes, you get what you want.
Sometimes, you get what you want, after a really, really, long time.
Sometimes you don’t get what you want at all.
Sometimes you get presented an entirely new path, and realise this was the one meant for you all along.
Something that helped me surprisingly, was music. πΆπ΅
I found solace and comfort in words that touched and moved me to tears with their profound insight, love and strength and sense of hope that matched my own.
Words that spoke of difficulty and heartache, but that presented a sense of… “let’s see.”
One such song was Guns n’ Roses Patience.
This was a key theme of mine as we were in quite possibly the hardest and most uncertain struggle of our lives… trying for another baby.
I can’t pretend everything was alright. It wasn’t. I was upset and cried a lot. I shut myself off from people. I grew very uncertain about everything, questioned life, my existence, my past actions, the future, my body… EVERYTHING.
I put on a smiling face and went into social situations tentatively, praying that no one would ask or make a joke with some insensitive second baby comment… sometimes I was lucky.
Many times I wasn’t.
The only thing I knew how to do, was get by, moment by moment.
Day by day.
Month by month.
And that’s how many several years passed before our miracle happened. π
So from someone who’s been there, and done that, I have some thoughts as we enter the new year…
It’s not so much about “smash out your top 5 goals!” or “keep consistent, chip away every day.”
It’s to think about what you really want. If in your heart of hearts there is something you want, a goal you wish to achieve, question, do you really want it, that bad?
If so, keep going. Keep your mind and heart open to new experiences, people, things, as any one of them, or a combination, may just be the key to getting what you want. Try not to listen to others, this will confuse you. Learn the lesson yourself.
You don’t know where the answer, the breakthrough will lie. It may lie on the first day of the new year. It may lie somewhere far down the track. It may lie, in Winter.
You just don’t know. Try not to guess or assume too much.
If you discover you really don’t know if you want what you want… letting go can be the most liberating experience. It takes great strength to say, ‘hold on, I’ve had enough. This is not for me.’
Remember you are in charge. You can decide to let go, and then decide you want to hold on to hope! Or you can hold on some more, and then say, I’m done, I’m finished.
Patience, overall, is key. It is the worst answer I know, and I know because I didn’t feel patient, I didn’t want to be patient anymore, but I had no choice in the matter.
I did it step by step. Moment by moment. Day by day. And I got there. I’m here. π
I have one more thought for the New Year… so many people focus on the body and exercising more… saving up and travelling more… learning a new skill to move to a better life path… and while these are all good and honourable pursuits, here’s a different one for you.
Training your mind, so you can be a better YOU.
In amongst all these big, momentous things happening for me this year, something else clicked in my life.
It was something truly unexpected, and yet if I hadn’t been open to it, it never would have entered my life.
FORGIVENESS.
Learning from the past and deciding to try and be a better person is a valid and very honest goal that all should aspire to, at many points in their life.
I do question though… did I learn, and allow forgiveness into my life because other things were falling into place? Was it because I was in a happier state, that allowed me the strength to not only see the good in my life, but in others?
Quite possibly. My reflections remain…
Be patient.
Try to better your mind.
That is it. No time frame. No “let’s be consistent every day with this” bullshit. Know that some days you will fall down, others you will climb the mountain.
It’s all part of the journey.
As you head into 2023, know only this… anything can happen, at any time.
And sometimes, nothing will happen, no matter how hard you try.
Just do what you can, if you want to, if it feels right.
No one can ever tell your story, or share your feelings, or speak your soul, just like you can.
Which is why this Christmas poemI penned 7 years ago remains my favourite of all time. Nothing to do with ego, it’s simply a window into my world, of my Aussie Christmas, and the memories that I hold so dear.
And the memories we keep adding on.
So I will reshare for you, because it’s a Christmas countdown, so why not?
Something Christmas every day I say. π
What (Aussie) Christmas means to me, my love
Sunny days and leafy trees
sprawled out in the yard on lounge chairs
squeals of laughter from the park children
the squeak of Mum and Dadβs backyard swing.
Prawn platters, Fruit pavlova
three courses and constant food in between
Ham is not the star β everything is
and it all goes down well with a glass (or few) of champers.
Flowy dresses and bows in tresses
the kids run barefoot on the grass
we can show some leg and we donβt care
Summer, holidays, carefree, go together.
Annoying things too, like crawling ants and invading-space flies
tightly-wound presents with ribbon, all screwed up
but this is the miniscule list I hold
for this oh-so-Merry day.
Balmy nights, revved up cars
light until past 9pm
cannot sleep, but not just for Santa
for waiting ainβt easy when itβs pushing 20 at midnight.
Eating drinking memory making
What do you talk about with those you love?
Why everything! And now letβs make some plans
about how weβll take on the world together.
…
Hot sand replaces stinging ice
sunnies sit meandering instead of wrapped-around scarves
we still rug up on Christmas Eve
to our loved ones for warmth, but not heat.
Carols may sing of snow,
Santa may be in his jolly suit,
cards will show reindeer, eggnog, fireplaces
and the pine trees are not native at this time of year.
But those are idealistic visions
of a Faraway Place
a dream where one day I will be, and see, and touch
and live in reality.
My memories here are of sun, of outdoor fun,
sitting outside and making memories with loved ones
There is a house I pass on my way home from my usual grocery shop, that I’ve noticed for its decorations.
I’ve noticed it, because it stands out in a street where quite a few neighbours have gone to some kind of effort in decorating their front of house for Christmas. Matching red bows on the fence. Perfect lights hung across the roof. Festive Christmas characters on the lawn.
This house, has none of those. It has tinsel – two colours – green and red, and they’ve been strung throughout the beige picket fence.
Not in a perfect, deliberate, every 5th stump kind of way. More in a mismatched, let’s put it here, let’s put it there… maybe there, kinda way.
I noticed this house early on. And then, something about it, HIT ME.
It made me teary.
This house, this home, the people within it… I can guarantee you without knowing them personally, that these people are the embodiment of what Christmas is about.
Because the extent or magnitude of your Christmas decorations has nothing to do with how much you love it. Whether you spent $1000 in flashing lights, and 6 hours of your Sunday putting things up…
It actually means nothing. Sure, it does mean you love Christmas.
It also means you have two things. Time, and money.
The person who spent $5 on tinsel and 10 minutes on a Tuesday night to put it up, they ALSO, love Christmas.
And it tugs my heart so much, because they either don’t have the time, they don’t have the money, or maybe even both, and yet despite this, in a street full of so many perfectly placed and prettied Christmas decorations, they still put up their tinsel.
They still showcase their love for Christmas, with what little they have.
THAT is true love. That there, is what it’s all about.
I still smile at the fancy lights and decorations I come across at night, as baby girl wows in the car.
But this house right here…
It hits different. It hits in the heart. π
Don’t lose sight of what’s important at Christmas time. ππ
βWhat are the chances youβd ever meet someone like thatβ¦ someone you could love forever, someone who would forever love you back?β
Eleanor is the new girl at school. She canβt really fit in and blend into the background, what with her crazy red hair, mismatched fashion sense spanning old mens shirts and patches of coloured material covering the holes in her pants, and her curvaceous figure.
Park wears black, and tries to ignore the idiots at the back of the bus, but itβs hard when one of them is his neighbour. His home life is actually happy and normal, and his family stick out majorly in a town where broken marriages are the accepted norm.
Then one day, Eleanor sits down on the bus next to Park⦠and the rest is history.
So let me first say thisβ¦ Eleanor and Parkβ¦ oh, my heart. π
If you had told me that the blooming love story of an out-of-control red-haired scarf wrist-wearing girl and a half-Korean all black wearing eye-lined teenage boy would make me cry, I would have laughed out loud and suggested you go back to listening to your Joy Division, or something. π
But oh God, Rowell does good here, like REALLY good.
This immediately grabbed me from the first two pages, and had me dissecting and planning how I would reconstruct my own YA with odd clarity. Itβs sharp, so honest and raw, while oddly maintaining a beautiful sense of naivety and sweetness when it comes to their blossoming relationship. I loved how the music was a soundtrack for their journey, and the references to uniquely high school things (being embarrassed for the over-the-top teacherβs antics) took me back in time and made me LOL.
Pros: Everything. Emptying out all your batteries in the 90s so that you can give them to your almost girlfriend who doesnβt have batteries for her Walkman, well if that isnβt love, then I DONβT KNOW WHAT IS.
Cons: I wanted more! I totally got the ending though. I cried happy and sad tears (note, not bittersweet) because the ending was so perfectly imperfect, itβs kind of exactly what I want to emulate repeatedly with my own work, and for that I 100% respect itβ¦ but I still want more!
This is a beautiful coming-of-age novel, and balances the real with the raw, so, so well.
βNeed to know where the characters areβ rating system: 10/10.
This, is YA βwith the volume turned way up.β π