…People who ask you unreasonable questions that you will undoubtedly give a negative answer to, making you feel like a total effin failure in the process.
“Have you made a Christmas tree-shaped watermelon with your daughter yet?”
Nope, I’m a shit Mum. Not carving up fruit together makes all of my Mothering useless.
(Pointing to a clearly Masterchef-styled ice cream cake) “Did you make that?”
Nope, I bought it AT A SHOP. I’m a cop-out for not spending 12 hours of my day sweating it out in the kitchen, layering different textures together and freezing them individually, to bring you the absurdly Heston Blumenthal-style design in front of me.
“Please don’t go to any effort for us.”
Actually, I wasn’t going to, but your passive aggressive request makes me feel like an unhospitable tool for not even considering giving you a 7-course degustation meal in the first place.
“Can I have some salt?”
Apologies my food tastes like shit.
“Wow, that is so good of you to do that, I never would have expected it!”
Because I am a horrible, HORRIBLE person.
You: “What would you like to drink?”
(Asks for a specific drink that you will not have)
Sorry I am not Dan Murphy’s. But I will give you a good dose of scotch, coke, and a refreshing lemon wedge of swift kick-up-the-arse…